By Big Red and Blue Fan
Daily Pennsylvanian
April 8, 2009
(Note: this appeared in conjunction with the Daily Pennsylvanian's 2009 joke issue.)
In a stunning turn of events yesterday, the NCAA announced major sanctions on the Cornell University men’s basketball team, stemming from a discovery that the Cornell Basketball Blog has actually been run by Cornell Athletic Communications director Jeremy Hartigan.
Hartigan violated NCAA recruiting rules by enticing high school students with promises of extra press exposure and lucrative handles to post comments.
As a result, Cornell will be forced to vacate its last two Ivy League titles. That means Princeton and Yale — who tied for second place in the league this past season — were named co-champions for the 2009 Ivy campaign.
“How else could we win a title without earning it through the backdoor,” Princeton coach Sydney Johnson said.
Yale coach James Jones was unavailable for comment since he was still getting over the Penn Band yelling “Joe’s a better coach” from point blank range.
As a result of the allegations, Cornell fired coach Steve Donahue. However, when pressed if he would fire Glen Miller in the hopes of recruiting Donahue — a former Penn assistant under Fran Dunphy — Penn athletic director Steve Bilsky said, “Why would I hire a coach accused of cheating when I know for a fact that I have a coach who either refuses to cheat or is incompetent at it?
“Plus I love zucchini muffins.”
Cornell star Ryan Wittman, upon learning of the impeding doom of his program, had this to say: “Well at least now I can be an assistant water boy under my Dad on the Timberwolves … Oh wait.”
Meanwhile, upon hearing the news that his team was in a disaster zone, Jeff Foote went to his room for some quiet consolation. But upon looking at his reflection in a mirror, he realized just how ugly he was. Distraught that no one would like him if the basketball team sucked, he decided to become familiar with the bottom of one of Ithaca’s famous gorges.
Finally, the NCAA went back to the tapes and discovered that Big Red guard Louis Dale should’ve been called for an offensive foul 76% of the time when a defender was whistled for fouling him. As such, Dale’s impressive 274 career made foul shots were taken away. The NCAA found that Dale used excessive force with his elbow to push off, yet somehow the refs looked the other way each time. It was later revealed that ad sales from the Cornell Basketball Blog were responsible for paying off said refs.
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